A few notes before the year of 2013 walks away – forever.
Ever since I came back home for the holiday, my mind has been occupied with the thoughts of you - how you have changed, how you no longer look at me the way you used to this summer, how you ignore my words, texts or random phone calls, how you give up on the future that might hold something dear and precious for both of us.
I find myself wandering on streets which I can’t even recall the names, unfamiliar faces, lousy traffic lights, cafés full of smokes and cursing words, and the air so concentrated I am afraid I could fall anytime. My day starts with empty noise in my head and ends with the same chaos that does not seem to ever leave me alone.
Witnessing and experiencing the change in our love and friendship take out a piece of my heart every single day and no matter how hard I try, there’s never anything that can fix it.
According to my own diagnosis, the kind of disease I am fighting is the numbness. When you eat something very hot and spicy, you know the way to fix it, to either leave it for time or drink a gallon of water. But when you are numb, everything you put in your mouth is tasteless and you can’t seem to find a way to fix it. You can have plenty of ways or no way at all. This is the tricky part of this disease. Before when I looked at you, I felt this excruciating pain and excitement, but now all I feel is a hollow emptiness. Many parts of me are trying to create a recipe/a medicine that can give me some taste again.
Thus, all I ask for in 2014 is to give me back my emotions, my feelings, anything - the pain, the joy, the despair, the hope, the loneliness, the freedom, the faith, so that I would no longer look like a haunted corpse walking around aimlessly looking for something she doesn’t even know she has lost.
And for you, all I want is to know that you are laughing.