“My life, which seems so simple and monotonous, is really a complicated affair of cafés where they like me and cafés where they don’t, streets that are friendly, streets that aren’t, rooms where I might be happy, rooms where I shall never be, looking-glasses I look nice in, looking-glasses I don’t, dresses that will be lucky, dresses that won’t, and so on.

A room? A nice room? A beautiful room? A beautiful room with bath? Swing high, swing low, swing to and fro…This happened and that happened…

And then the days came and I was alone.”

- Good Morning, Midnight by Jean Rhys

Spring arrives when flowers smile at us and we smile back thinking even though life has its lows and highs, everyone has a place where they fit into their skins and moments which they loosen up and let go…

I met a girl today, for only a few hours. We exchanged some words. Simple, plain, broken conversations. One thing hit my brain, very hard. In whichever relationship, as you grow fond of someone, it tortures you when that person cannot reciprocate the same attention. I don’t understand possession but I know it is clinging on me, dragging along the road of self-despair and destructive doubt. It is madness but it is also a part of being human – to own something, even if it is nothingness.

Must we claim the right of having someone or something, knowing that things change and eventually disappear? 

We met up when we were young and spontaneous.

We got caught in the charm of freedom, frivolity and carelessness.

We were untamed.

…

Moments shifted under our skins, blending our lives into the lives of new acquaintances. Slowly and quietly we moved out of each other reach. We realized our own life was already too complicated to leave some rooms for others.

Words still slipping out of our tongues and laughter still filling the thin air..

But we were not there.

Dear Friend, we really had a great time. We were blinded by the intoxicated feeling of having pleasant company who would fill up our few hours of loneliness or boredom, and so we were able to tolerate our own problems. But a game must be over in order for the next one to start.

There is no never-ending moment. Simple and plain as that, this is how I bid my farewell to our little moments of carefree and delightful hearts.

We used to talk about the possibilities of our future. How far we went together on the road, did we run or walk, could we reach the same end or would one of us stop and turn back. What was it that we treasured when we could still breathe, listen, taste, see, and speak? I wondered where things got deranged and fears and doubts started sneaking in our moment of trusts and promises and making our minds pondering upon the thoughts of giving up, hurting each other, or living like mistletoe on paranoiac believes.

There was no future of us, but yours and mine. Because we were born as individuals, we left as individuals. Even we walked together for years, we still found way to part, at a crossroad, in a stranger’s land, under a naked tree or anywhere we could turn our backs to each other. After spending such a journey with you, I rarely talked about the future in term of “us”.  As funny as it might sound, I found the joy of life in different sense. It was to give myself a chance to own the moment.

Completely. Without doubts, fears and compromises.

With the Heart to Forget You.

“Do you ever find yourself projecting your mind too far down the pathway of Uncertainty, perhaps driven by fear or worry? I once read that in ancient biblical days people would strap small clay lamps Upon their feet at night that would light the way as they walked along the Uneven and stony pathways. The lamps would only cast light several feet in front of the person walking, which is really all they needed to move towards their destination, on step at a time. It only required that they pay attention to the next step on the journey, having faith that each step to follow would take care of itself.”

- The Art of Uncertainty - How to live in the mystery of life and love it by Dennis Merritt Jones

mục đích của cuộc sống là gì? ta phải sống ra sao? và nếu ta sống theo những gì cha mẹ, xã hội hay sách vở dạy bảo, liệu ta có thể hạnh phúc không? khi cuộc sống có quá nhiều lựa chọn, ta càng thêm tính toán, mệt mỏi, suy nghĩ, hay đam mê, dễ sa lưới rồi hối hận, ê chề.

tôi thường tìm về tuổi thơ để chắp vá lỗ hổng của nhịp sống hiện đại. cũng không có gì để nói nhiều vì hầu hết kỉ niệm ngày còn nhỏ rất đẹp, dù lớn lên cách nhìn về quá khứ có chút thay đổi. nhưng tôi nghĩ, một xã hội không bị chế ngự và ảnh hưởng bởi những nhu cầu và lựa chọn phù phiếm là nơi mà người với người có thể thực sự gây dựng những mối quan hệ lâu dài, không kiểu cách. đôi lúc đang đi tôi bỗng dừng lại trước ngã ba đường thầm tiếc nuối một thời đã mất, một thời đại không chỉ in dấu trong tôi mà còn trong bao thế hệ trước. dẫu chỉ là một cái thở dài, như khi nhìn thấy mâm cỗ yến tiệc bày ra trước mắt mà lòng chỉ thèm rau muống luộc chấm tương bần..rồi quay lại thấy người với người lũ lượt lê thân đi bốn phương.